Last night was not a great night sleep. I was woken up at 3am with a police helicopter flying over the flat. Then I realised I wasn’t feeling too great. I wandered to the loo, very sleepy and slightly confused and noticed I was feeling a little sore and it was very grumbley.
When my alarm went off for work in the morning I was still feeling pretty awful. I have felt awful for a few weeks, but today was a bit more difficult. Not only was I really tired still but I felt sick and had pain. So I did the usual guilt trip of thinking do I or don’t I go to work.
Every morning seems to be that same struggle. Part of me says go to work you fool, you always feel a bit rough, why would today be any different? I am also working onsite at a customer’s place so I feel a bit more pressured to turn up as I don’t want to let them down and give the company I work for a bad reputation nor give me a bad reputation. My temporary boss even said to me the other day that he has not noticed any difference between me and the other contractors on site. He hasn’t noticed the constant running out of the room to the loo or the sneaky pain killers I take some days. He hasn’t even noticed that some days I don’t eat. So it seems he is fine with me being ill and is confident I’m doing a good job. So is it ok to have time off? Is it ok to be ill? If he accepts me then why not just go to work, be paid and get on with my job? But I can’t get on with the job, that’s the problem you fool.
On the other side “think of your health”, “look after number 1”. We have a disease which is aggravated by stress, so why stress myself out at work or even by thinking whether i should go in or not. If I’m thinking of not going in then there must be a problem so stop making myself even more ill and just have a day or 2 at home to recover.
It’s a constant battle between good and evil. Every morning for as long as I can remember is the same. I have the same fight with myself. I feel such a letdown to myself, my employers, my family and my wife. I don’t like showing weakness yet this disease highlights my weaknesses.
I made the right choice today. I should not have been at work pretending to be ok when I’m clearly not. I’m exhausted from a rough night’s sleep. I’m not eating at the minute either, so I can rest my bowel which in turn will obviously add to the fatigue, never mind the fact I’m taking pain killers. I should not be driving or working full stop. No more arguments. It’s done.
On a sort of cheery note: I had a call from the hospital this morning, they have bought my surgery forward by 2 weeks, so it will now be done next week! Argh! Panic! Without sounding negative, it’s very rare the NHS bring things forward, they are normally pushed backward. I’m not complaining though, the sooner it’s done, the sooner I can start recovering. I will keep you informed on how I get on.
Love to you all. Stay well
Ben
May 18th, 2010 17:12
Ben, it is a good thing that hospital has brought forward, they should not change date of you going in to hospital.
I do understand how you feel, i constantly battle with my self in the mornings my worse time ever is then between 8 and 11 is no good. i cant make plans between them times of i am in dire straights.And if i do i need to know there is a loo and if i feel comfy in going on that loo as you know the smell oh the smell!!! I hate the constant let down to my family. They want me to earlies at work so i am home in the evenings for them. But if they wish me to work to bring money into the house so we can have luxuries then lates are better for me 2 till 10 but they do not see that at all. So i always feel a let down that i am not there for the kids more so tori cause i feel she needs me more. but i am not wonder women! i do feel somedays they would be better off with out me but that is completley stupid.
well my saying is keep smiling and know one knows what is wrong and the world smiles with you. Take care Ben you are in our thoughts
Lynda-marie x
May 19th, 2010 23:11
Ben
I sometimes have the same struggle, but you def sounded as if home was the best place for you. Take it easy on yourself, you aren’t letting your family and friends down, you just have an illness which is out of your control, good luck with the op I will be thinking of you and waiting for my email update when you are recovered
Best wishes
Sam
May 27th, 2010 00:05
Hi Ben
I’m sat in bed with laptop finishing some school work (I work in a pre-school) and thought I’d catch up with how you are doing. So sorry to hear you’ve been having a rough time. Me and Jaz will be thinking of you and wish you a speedy recovery after the op. Jaz has had lots of time off school again. Flixi has stopped because its given Jaz psoriasis haven’t had flixi since Jan. Reading about your extreme fatigue is like listening to Jaz describing to me how she feels. I feel so bad because I always try and chivvy her along. Sometimes when we go shopping Jaz struggles to get from the car park into Tesco’s. School have phoned me today and agreed that she can have home tutoring when she has flare ups. Jaz has had MRI recently everything just screams crohns. Endoscopy is next on the cards and then we talk steroids or humira. Take care and big hugs from me and Jaz
x